The uncomfortability within my body seems like it's too much and I know a quick fix.
But I also know that that quick fix in the long term fucks me over.
Purging or binging and purging will result in my hunger cues being off, me being more hungry later, me having to eat more than I think is "safe" therefore throwing up again. I'll probably end up drinking to escape the shame that comes with caving again. Stay out and up too late making tomorrow harder on me. Shame, depression will sink in in the morning and take over my day making each assignment, interaction, and to-do that much harder.
And the cycle could repeat itself.
So I'm writing instead. I'm reminding myself that this feeling will pass. That this is how I learn to handle my emotions differently. The high-waist shorts really don't help.
I'm not actually full of any kind of food (there's no way that hummus / cucumber snack did this to me). What I am full of is--you guessed it--emotion.
There's good with the bad, actually mostly good but for some reason I feel like crying. Like my emotions don't know where to go so I by default cry. Probably will do that after I write.
I actually feel a great sense of pride for myself today. Da fuck.
Ever since I started writing again things have slowly been changing largely thanks to you all reaching back out to me as a support, which rocks. But also me making little decisions that turn into big differences.
I made the hard choice to end my relationship yesterday. After my therapist and my body (anxiety) I realized that I barely have the energy to properly handle my own shit so how can I give myself to someone else? I mean they say that all the time, you have to love yourself before ... you know. But well when you're in it it's harder to see.
I have an excitement to be alone for once. Thinking of all the time I will now have to dedicate to me gives me hope. I always do this though. Where I finally become single again and am like okay no dudes and then out of nowhere they come. I've got to be stronger this time around, but it may not be as hard as it has in the past.
Last night I did self-care after therapy and talking things through with my now ex (oh that's weird). I painted my nails, showered (even shaved my legs-GASP), watched my favorite show and hung out with my cat. There was once upon a time when I couldn't handle alone time but seeing it's benefits to my mood today has me craving it.
Another thing that's new is that I've started reconnecting with old friends and making a bigger effort to make new ones. At first I thought they didn't want anything to do with me but it turns out that that was my insecurities. It's new being able to turn / having to turn to a friend rather than a significant other when something cool / new / exciting / funny happens but I like it.
Also working out is getting easier now. With Paradiso quickly approaching and a trip to LA I know I won't really see any change in my body from my efforts but it's a start. Encouragement through Facebook, snapchat, and texts has helped immensely. At the end of each workout I am reminded it's not about what I look like but how I feel.
I've also started to clumsily craft a morning routine. So far it looks like:
- Only hitting snooze once
- Opening my blinds immediately
- Making my bed
- Playing with my cat
- Positive affirmations
- Makeup getting ready etc
- NOT being extremely late to work
Trying to work a yoga session or quick walk in there but my snooze habits fuck that up.
Basically what I'm getting at is my two mottos below have really started to pay off:
Don't make it worse.
Each choice can either help or hurt your progress.
I'm just happy to post something not so sad for once.