You just are so fucking funny right now.
I see you with your sarcasm.
When I’m finally situated to write on the Bolt Bus—shoes off, one leg mashed up against the seat the other one on the ground for stability since my seat apparently doesn’t need to be bolted to the floor. I’m hunched over like The Grinch attempting to type with my laptop sitting on the empty seat next to me as my purse and denim jacket act as an efficiently failing desk.
I’ve had to switch positions twice since the girl across from me in the aisle decided to make out with her fork instead of use it to eat her salad with it. I wish I wasn’t so sensitive to weird fucking people.
All I want to do is go home in peace.
But that’s hard to do when you’re on a public bus with Chatty Charlie who has a voice for a children’s television show and an opinion reserved for The View.
I’ve got I Mean It, G-Eazy and Remo on repeat in my headphones while I type this so if “fuck” and “bitch” slip out more than often—so every four words—you’ve had your warning.
I try so hard to ignore the world when I’m in a mood like this—lack of wanting to be a decent human being mood—and it seems that the world doesn’t want to be ignored.
I made fun of the girl sitting diagonal from me before boarding the bus. Her Lana Del Rey headband was asking for it. Of course she would be across from me and she would fucking give me the most genuine smile when we hear Chatty Charlie snort at his own joke.
I would ignore the ‘pushy’ bus driver who was only trying to put my bag away for me and then so kindly greets me when I get on his bus.
I would make fun of fucking Chatty only to see him give up his single seat so a couple can sit together.
And who knows what lesson Fork Girl could teach me if I didn’t have my back to her. Sans salad of course.
Continuously The Universe and my Higher Power teach me lessons, give me guidance and I still have an insanely hard time giving up my illusion of control.
My list making, my “what if, and then” fantasies, my manipulating.
I’m going through a really big change in my life.
I’m relocating from Seattle to Portland to take that next step with my boyfriend.
That means new city. New job. New lifestyle. New friends—no friends at first.
I have no idea where we are going to live.
I have no idea where I’m going to work.
I have no idea where I’m going to work.
I have no idea what kind of money I’m going to make.
I have no idea what living with a significant other looks like.
And I’m still fresh in recovery. Like Bambi fresh.
This is all so new to me and it’s so exciting, so romantic, so right—and yet fucking frightening.
I have stayed up til 1 AM way too many times already Google mapping where a gym is in comparison to a grocery store in comparison to a bus stop then trying to find apartment complexes that are within our estimated price range. Only to come up empty handed and feeling more frantic than ever. Zoom out repeat.
So I try job searching and I’m pushing my resume and I’m suddenly the best receptionist ever. Ya I love the service industry. Yes I love cold calling. Yes I like suits. Of course I’ll work overtime. WHAT?!
Then I’m living in the city. No I’m traveling an hour to my nonexistent work via the bus. No I’m in the suburbs. There’s a Target. Ok cool yes I can do that.
There are too many what ifs? Then this? Or then that. It’s a web of confusion and I’m stuck.
And of course I’m talking to my man about this (hahaha I never say my man but I just wanted to) and we’ve come to the conclusion to slow the fuck down and take it one thing at a time.
BUT IT SO DAMN HARD. I want the answer and I want it now. I want to know and I want to feel safe. I want to feel secure. I want everything to be ok.
And yet I have little examples every day that show me that it WILL be ok. AND I STILL FREAK OUT.
However, by the fact that I’m in recovery, I’m alive and I have a great life The Universe keeps proving to me that everything will be ok even though I do not see how or what that looks like just yet.
So some tips that help me with this and might help you if you are crazy like me:
-Act as if. So say you totally want to keep checking your ex’s facebook but you know you shouldn't but you so want to one last time (not like last time’s last time but this last time)—just act as if you are that new person you want to be and don’t do it.
-Repeat: “Resistance is suffering.” – So say it. “Resistance is suffering.” When you resist a situation, how a person is acting etc. it doesn’t change said thing. It just makes it harder on you. So Chatty Charlie—who is still going strong an hour and twenty minutes in—is still going to talk and I can be passive and glare and blow out my eardrums or I can say he’s fucking annoying but he’s not going to stop. I appreciate the conversation he’s having with the person next to him. Him talking doesn’t mean I can’t listen to my music or I cannot write.
-One Day—or thing—At a Time. – There’s a reason this is so popular in AA and other anonymous programs because it fucking works. When you look at your day and you see all the shit you have to do you probably want to crawl in bed. However, if you just see that you have to just get to work then do the next right indicated step when you get there it’s not as daunting. So I should listen to myself. I need to see if they are going to take unemployment away from me—then we’ll go from there. I cannot and will not pick my job, apartment, budget and fucking welcome mat tomorrow. I will stay in the present moment and focus on that and only that because that’s all I can do, all I want to do and honestly all I need to do.